heroes versus spiders the ultimate matchup

heroes versus spiders the ultimate matchup

How do the most famous movie heroes fare when paired with the biggest, baddest spiders? Admittedly, Halloween week brings out the crazy pest questions–usually paired with SyFy Channel original movies. For these matchups we avoided the obvious and limited the roster to heroes from movies in which spiders play an incidental role. Read on to find out who wins the ultimate spider matchup.

Indiana Jones vs. One Hundred Tarantulas

Remember the tarantulas in Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)? Unlike snakes, Indy proves that he has no fear of arachnids. Upon entering the cave in the opening sequence, he and his guide become covered with hundreds of tarantulas. Indy calmly brushes them off with his trusty bull whip. Hmmm. No daring-do, no theatrics, and no dead spiders. We call this “battle” a draw.

Harry Potter vs. Aragog

In Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002), Aragog is the mini-bus-sized spider at home in the dark forest. She is a “friend” of Hagrid and commands an army of smaller spiders to attack Harry. Harry has a very young, and useless, Ron as his backup team. Can Harry’s wand best Aragog’s minions? Not really. Before being rescued by an enchanted car, Harry does blast one spider with the Arania Exumai spell, but leaves Aragog alive and well. Point Aragog.

Samwise Gamgee vs. Shelob

Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003) introduced Shelob, an enormous and ancient spider. After hero Frodo succumbs to Shelob’s paralyzing bite, Samwise Gamgee takes up Frodo’s Elven blade, Sting, to battle Shelob. Sam wields the sword with vengeance. Although he appears to deal a death blow, the spider only retreats into her lair after Sam releases the light of the Phial of Galadriel. We call this battle a draw, after all, Shelob did sink her fangs into Frodo.

James Bond vs. One Tarantula

In 1960, it seems that no one read the memo about tarantulas. For all their hairy scary size, tarantulas are virtually harmless. Nevertheless when James Bond awakens in Dr. No (1962) to find a tarantula crawling in excruciating slow motion towards his neck, sweat beads on the super-spy’s forehead. Once the spider slips onto the pillow, Bond bravely tosses the pillow across the room and leaps out of bed. He quickly grabs his trusty Walther PPK, er, we mean size 12 Oxford and pounds the spider to death. Finally, we have a clear winner in the heroes versus spiders matchup: James Bond and his shoe!

(We should hire that guy.)

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  1. Keaton Terry June 25, 2017 at 7:22 pm - Reply

    I am not very impressed by this page. As a big fan of spiders, and the owner of 4 tarantulas, I find it abusive to revile spiders as freaks of nature. I can’t see how that many people have almost no idea that if no spiders existed, they would live in a fly-filled house with no friendly spiders to rid them. They’ve never been out to kill people. The whole “Deadly spider”-type-thing happened only when people tried to kill a spider, living a life of loneliness and privacy. Imagine you, in your bed, propped against your favorite pillow. Now, all of a sudden, a giant, ferocious beast tears through your house, catching you by surprise. Being enraged by fears, their soul mission is to find you and viciously kill you. Now, the movies:
    Indiana Jones- I am glad no spiders died in the cave scene. I am also the proud owner of the most docile tarantula, Brachypelma Smithi and Brachypelma Emilia, featured in the cave. However, the laziness as to knock them to the ground from 6 feet is fatal to a tarantula. If that were me, I would just pick them up gently and squat down to set them in a hollow.
    Lord of the Rings- I understand a ferocious spider that tries to get a human snack is a common fear of many arachnophobes. But portraying them as a giant, man-eating beast is by no means accurate or helpful to their reputation.
    It’s the same with Harry Potter; a fierce spider that’s over 20 ft. long is not scientifically accurate. The largest spider ever recorded was a Theraphosa Blondi Goliath Bird-Eater, and only reached 13 inches. Not breaking stereotypes, buddy.
    James Bond, Dr. No- I am personally offended by this. First off, the spider is Avicularia Versicolor/Metallica. I own this species, and it is hugely incorrect to say, “it could’ve killed him.” The most venomous spider isn’t even a tarantula, but a relative of wolf spiders called the Brazilian Wandering Spider. Second, the spider was supposed to obey commands as an assassin. Never has a spider crawled up a bedside only to kill a inhabitant. Third, there were many other, better reactions than to smash it, but rather, setting the spider outside to retreat. Again, another incorrect portrayal.
    Spiderman, all versions- Sure, a Black Widow has the bite potency of 15 rattlesnakes, a neurotoxic venom that may have killed humans in the past. This spider, though, has been shown as both wandering onto Peter Parker’s hand, and him trespassing into its territory. Wrong again! A spider would rather stay in its webbed space than out in the open, and Peter had no business walking straight into its habitat. Of all the Black Widows in my house, they’ve been in silent corners to remain undisturbed.
    Since when have spiders dealt with us? When have they been blood-sucking monsters who have been out to get you? Never. They’re just as important as any other animal or human. All they need is peace, a shelter, and a constant food source. I rescue spiders, even if they find their way into my house, because I’m smart enough to understand the pros of a spider-filled house. Even being eaten by other animals, spiders support the rest of the animals you love to see in the zoo. Today, I challenge any of you to take the “S” out of “pest,” especially when referring to spiders. Now, my message isn’t a “kill-other-arachnids-instead”statement. (Now, Thrasher, ticks and mites can pass.) Scorpions, Wind-scorpions, Whipscorpions/Vinegaroons and all those creepy-crawlies are necessary. To wrap up, consider saving one’s life and buy a captive-bred tarantula/scorpion from an authorized pet dealer nearby. SPIDERS!!!!

    • Buzz August 18, 2017 at 12:43 pm - Reply

      Clearly we should stick with pest control and not attempt humor.

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